Self Compassion as a Parent
We all have had preconceived notions about certain life changes. Before I had my son Bradley in March 2020, I wasn't sure what to expect of new motherhood. Would I change as a person? Would I even like being a parent? What would I be like? While I have a very strong sense of who I am and what I love to do, I tried to be open to change.
If you have a pulse, you've probably wrestled at some point with that harsh voice inside your head. Dan Harris, former news anchor and author of 10% Happier (and app) said so bluntly and perfectly, “The voice inside my head is an asshole.”
I've certainly struggled with my fair share of very hard self-judgment, unrealistic expectations, and never giving myself a freaking break. It's something I've been working on remedying for a long time, aided with loving-kindness meditation and a lot of practicing patience with myself.
I learned that the science of self-compassion is a large field of research, and being kind to yourself isn't some woo-woo magic that will strip away your ability to achieve and be competitive. Before I had Bradley, I noticed that I was especially hard on myself around making mistakes or not performing up the standard I thought I should be. Some examples are walking a technical section I had ridden before, feeling tired, not getting a result in business, etc) and putting SO much emphasis on everything I was doing. When I had Bradley, something shifted- something extraordinary. I finally could be kind and accepting of myself. (I'm not saying having a kid will do this for everyone, but I do think the combination of having a kid in a pandemic helped me accelerate this growth for me).
Everything I used as a coping mechanism to squash that feeling of not enough basically got taken away from me. I couldn't work crazy hours. I couldn't train as much as I wanted to. I couldn't travel. I couldn't race my bike. I couldn't spend as much time stuck in my head. I couldn't achieve things at the same rate because I didn't have the time I once had. I had to adapt and focus on what I did have. I realized that my tendency of compulsive overworking didn't help me at all!
The things that seemed like SUCH a big deal didn't seem quite as agonizing. I was able to have more self-compassion AND self-acceptance. Doing my best was suddenly good enough. Even saying, “it's okay,” to myself defused frustration. I gained a little bit of self-distancing from comparison to others or even to my best achievements. I've learned so much- so much more about myself than I could type in one email newsletter.
Having more self-compassion and acceptance happened for several reasons.
First, it's the work I've front-loaded on self-compassion. I've been working on recognizing that I am enough and I'm lovable without achieving one more thing in my life. It's still hard to fathom some days, but having great family, friends, my incredible husband, and even better yet- a son who could give 2 craps about what power number I sustain on my bike, if my instagram account is doing well, how much money I made this year versus last year, or podcast downloads isn't quite as important. Those things do matter, but after 19 months of becoming a new mom trying to juggle it all in a pandemic, they matter just a little bit less. Being able to let go of that white knuckle grip on things I so desperately wanted to control has actually helped me perform better and have better perspective!
I think I had a fear that complacency and acceptance were the same thing. I've learned that acceptance is just an essential element of feeling content and grounded, AND you can still kick ass and have big dreams while accepting yourself in the moment.
Having Bradley at the very start of a pandemic and living in Canada with stringent public health rules made it so I couldn't race or leave the country for most of this year. Add that onto the year of the pandemic and pregnancy, and that's 2 years of no racing… that's a big deal because racing and competing have been a crucial part of my identity for my entire life. Previously, I might have gripped to race results and personal relevance. Would people still care what I think if I didn't race my bike? Would I still want to grow as an athlete if I had to take time off from racing? (note for the curious- I can't freaking wait to race next year!) The answer is that I love racing because I love riding my bike. Through a LOT of thinking and asking myself questions, I can accept and love myself if I'm NOT crushing it on the bike. Pregnancy was a masterclass in that. This pregnancy is easier mentally because I can love and accept myself, even when I have to walk my bike up a climb I could previously race up.
Having a son meant I couldn't be so self-focused every second of the day. It meant I could find true joy and contentedness in something utterly unrelated to my work/career. (This can be SO hard if your hobby and passions become your work and the way you make money… especially if you, the person, are the focal point of it).
I'm still going to be out to achieve big things in life, both as an athlete and in my business, but my foundation is stronger. I can now do it from a place of love instead of a place of constriction, craving, and deprivation. Sure, I still have my moments and my days where I struggle. But they happen a lot less.
Over to you: one mantra from a loving-kindness meditation that has helped me is when I notice that I'm bashing myself for one reason or another, or worry about something I can't control, I say, “May I Be Well.” Super simple, super powerful, and it cuts off the negative stream of chatter.
How to stop beating yourself up is an essential aspect of mental performance. If you want to up your game and learn a ton of other mental performance techniques to help get you to your goals and unlock your best self, enroll today in my Moxy & Grit Mindset Academy! Or- just keep reading these weekly articles and listen to the pod because that helps too!